Whether you and your in-laws love or loathe each other, you’re part of each other’s family. Maintain your boundaries, keep your loyalties straight, and pick your battles wisely to navigate these tricky relationships.

 

by Christina DiMartino

In-law problems can start even long before your wedding, then escalate due to the stresses brought on by wedding planning. And that’s just the beginning. But your spouse’s parents are part of your extended family, and they’re your children’s grandparents. You need to know how to deal with them.

Ups and downs

Jane Greer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in private practice in New York, says, “Whether they want to smother you with kindness or kick you to the curb, figuring out where your partner’s family fits in with your life is tricky.” She describes how to navigate some common issues:

• They want to be friends—best friends. Liking you too much is better than hating you, but you need some privacy, so tell them so in a gentle way.
• They hate you. The feeling may be mutual. But if your mate wants you to try harder, or you long to have them like you and nothing can break the ice, try giving it time to melt.
• Praise their child rearing style. Try something like, “He has been so great around the house lately. You guys did a great job teaching him how to clean a kitchen.”
• If only one of your in-laws is giving you the cold shoulder, focus on the others. Getting in good with a brother or aunt shows you’re likeable and have good intentions.

Support your spouse

Steve Pavlina writes on self-help topics on his blog, Personal Development for Smart People. He says if you’re having problems with an in-law, the person most closely related to that person—your spouse—is the one who must do the enforcing.

“This is especially important to a marriage,” says Pavlina. “You and your spouse must put each other first above all other relatives. If one of your spouse’s relatives is violating your boundaries, then your spouse must bring it to their attention and do the enforcing.”

Pavlina says problems of this nature are especially common in relationships between couples in their 20s because they are often in a transitional phase with how they identify their primary family.

“For example, prior to the wedding, you may be getting closer to your in-laws to be while still thinking of your family as the one you were born into,” he adds. “But after you’re married and have children, you’re likely to think of your primary family as your spouse and children. So for many people the 20s represents a period of shifting identities. It’s a time when problems with other relatives can spike because they interfere with your romantic relationship.”

Dealing with difficulties

Writer Jonathan Pitts says that no matter how much you love your spouse, sometimes getting along with family may be a tough task.

“Their words, actions or attitude may make you feel upset and left out,” says Pitts. “Ultimately, you will express your resentment and frustration.” And your spouse may not always be understanding or supportive, he notes. “There are some tips that might help you deal with difficult in-laws without losing out on your relationship with your partner.”

• Face the facts. Your in-laws are individuals whose experience and expectations are different from those of yourself and your family. You are powerless to do anything about it so just accept them as they are. Try to remain cool and civil when you have to deal with them.
• Maintain your relationship with your spouse. Your relationship with your husband is not dependent on your relationship with his family.
• Don’t nag your spouse about his family. He loves them and you cannot expect him to give up his family for your sake.
• Try and engage your in-laws in conversation. If there are any issues, talk it over with them and express your feelings and thoughts, and let them do the same.
• Use small tactics. Keep from feeling hurt and angered by your in-laws’ behavior, such as detaching yourself from the conversation.
• Stay confident. Don’t let your in-laws’ attitude towards you affect the way you feel about yourself.

No divided loyalties 

Lin Burress is the author of Telling It Like It Is, a source about raising children, relationships, marriage and parenting. She says there can be no divided loyalties between you and your spouse.

“When you spoke your wedding vows, you promised to put your spouse as the first and primary person in your life, and that’s where your loyalty rightly belongs,” says Burress. “If your wife has a problem with your mother, you need to step in and work on fixing it. The same applies to your wife if the problem is between you and her parents.”

Burress suggests you pick your battles wisely. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree, politely telling your in-laws that you appreciate their suggestions, but you and your husband make the final decisions. Be considerate and control your emotions and temper as much as possible. Be careful to think before you speak the angry words that may be swirling through your mind at the time.

Read on:

• Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage, by Susan Forward
• I Married My Mother In Law: And Other Tales of In-Laws We Can’t Live With—and Can’t Live Without, by Ilena Silverman
• Dealing with Difficult Relatives & In Laws, by Robert Cava
• How to Survive Your In-Laws, by Andrea Syrtash

 

Christina DiMartino has been a freelance and assignment writer since 1985. She is a researcher, interviewer, writer, editor, and manuscript collaborator with a repertoire of clients from around the world.

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