What parents want vs. what their grown children want when the children choose a mate – the disparities have been causing problems for centuries. Realizing that these disagreements are natural is the first step to understanding.

by Theresa Nguyen

Even though arranged marriages have decreased considerably in the past few decades, I’m certain there are many parents who wish this view was still popular today.

As a parent, you have a strong influence on your children’s dating behavior. But even in the 21st century, there are still conflicts between parents and children in the realm of dating. One of the most important reasons is that parents and children often have different priorities. What you decide is often not the ideal mate your child would have chosen.

That this is a common problem was borne out in a 2008 study conducted by American Psychological Association members Abraham Buunk, Justin Park, and Shelli Dubbs, which they reported in Review of General Psychology. Buunk, Park and Dubbs surveyed 768 participants from different cultures to discover characteristics in an ideal mate from children’s versus parents’ expectations.

Characteristics that parents found unacceptable were being divorced and being from a different ethnic background. Children, on the other hand, couldn’t tolerate the lack of a sense of humor, unattractiveness, and poor hygiene.

Arranged marriages versus free choice

Not having a sense of humor wouldn’t have been a deal-breaker in the past, when parents controlled the situation in hopes of benefiting financially, economically, or politically. Parents wanted their children to marry into good families to control their ancestral line, create new alliances, and expand their land and resources. Arranged marriages were the dominant form of mating throughout evolutionary history.

Parents, Children Want Different Things in a Child’s Spouse

Not that children didn’t rebel. Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet is a classic tale of love forbidden by the parents. Romeo and Juliet must hide first their love and later their marriage because their families hold an “ancient grudge” against each other. One of the events that lead to their deaths is that Juliet’s family, unaware she has already married Romeo, insists she marry a man of their choice. That is just one story about how parents have tried to play matchmaker or tried to break up existing romantic relationships in which their children were involved. (Illustration, Romeo and Juliet by Frank Bernard Dicksee)

Though arranged marriages are still common in many cultures around the world, free choice mating is the norm in 21st-century America. The hopes are that the two individuals will form a long-term relationship like marriage.

No matter what your culture and parenting style, as a parent you’ll have a strong opinion about whom you want your child to date and eventually marry. Usually early on in the dating and courting phase, if parents disapprove, they will try to persuade, threaten, complain, or even bribe their children to date someone who better suits their own expectations.

The top 10 musts are different

That parents still hope their children will date someone whose values are similar to their own family background showed up strongly in a 2008 study by Menelaos Apostolou, conducted when he was in the department of psychology at the University of Warwick in England, as reported in Evolutionary Psychology.

Apostolou surveyed 305 British parents to discover what they wanted in a spouse for their child. The preferences of a young person who was searching for a husband or wife differed dramatically from what parents viewed as important characteristics. Here are the top 10 ten characteristics, ranked in priority order from one to 10, of what parents said they were searching for in a son-in-law and daughters said they were searching for in a husband.

Son-in-law 1. Kind and understanding 2. Healthy 3. Has a job 4. Intelligent 5. Easygoing 6. Good earning capacity 7. Good family reputation 8. Good family background 9. Wants children 10. Exciting personality

Husband 1. Kind and understanding 2. Easygoing 3. Healthy 4. Has a job 5. Intelligent 6. Good earning capacity 7. Exciting personality 8. Wants children 9. Physically attractive 10. Good housekeeper

Here’s what parents wanted in a daughter-in-law, and what sons wanted in a wife.

Daughter-in-law 1. Kind and understanding                     2. Healthy 3. Easygoing 4. Intelligent 5. Good housekeeper 6. Wants children 7. Exciting personality 8. Has a job 9. Physically attractive 10. Good family reputation

Wife 1. Kind and understanding 2. Healthy 3. Intelligent 4. Easygoing 5. Exciting personality 6. Physically attractive 7. Good housekeeper 8. Has a job 9. Good earning capacity 10. Wants children

Both parents and children agreed that an exciting personality and being intelligent were important characteristics of a husband and son-in-law. Parents didn’t care whether a son-in-law was physically attractive, but their daughters ranked attractiveness as the sixth most important characteristic for a husband. Likewise, coming from a good family background and good family reputation was a top characteristic for a son-in-law but not a top characteristic sought in a husband.

Having a good family reputation was an important characteristic for a daughter-in-law but not for a wife. Both parents and sons agreed that a wife or daughter-in-law should have an exciting personality and be intelligent and physically attractive.

Interestingly, parents ranked family background and social status a lot higher for sons-in-law than for daughters-in-law.

Finding common ground

What’s the take-home message for parents?

As an unmarried young woman, I think it’s the importance of awareness, compromise, and respect.

Studies like the ones I’ve cited can help parents be aware that when their priorities for their children’s possible spouses are different from their children’s, it’s not because there’s something wrong with either parents or children—it’s a common and natural situation.

As a parent, it’s your responsibility to help your children look for a mate with good characteristics, so they can find peace and happiness in their life and relationship. But it’s also important for parents to respect their children’s decision, to find common ground with their children and the qualities they are searching for.

After all, the ultimate goal for your children is peace and happiness in their marriage and life. No one wants a sad ending like the tale of Romeo and Juliet.

 

Theresa Nguyen is completing her Master of Science in nonprofit management. She has volunteered with many nonprofit organizations in the Chicago area, including the DePaul University St. Vincent de Paul Center, YMCA, Lincoln Park Zoo, and One Brick of Chicago.

© Photo by Olgalis | Dreamstime.com