Toddlers naturally act out as they gain more independence and learn how to express their emotions. With empathy and specific techniques, you can help your toddler through these growing pains – and stay calm yourself. 

 

by Christina DiMartino

Throwing toys or food, hitting, biting, screaming, kicking and other forms of toddler aggression can be frightening to parents. It is, however, a normal part of human development.

Toddlers act out their wants and needs because they have not yet acquired social skills and have limited communication skills, so they cannot express feelings, needs and wants. Some of your child’s aggressive behavior can also be a test to see how much attention he gets.

Understanding toddler aggression

In his report for Dr. Spock, a child parenting company that provides expert advice, information and inspiration on raising happy, healthy children, Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P., states that aggression is a part of the human condition.

“One of our jobs as parents is to help our children find acceptable ways to express and deal with their aggressive impulses,” says Needlman. “A child’s love of his parents, along with his wish to be loved in turn, normally provides a strong motivation for the child to learn to cope with aggression. In the course of growing up, children are able to bring their aggressiveness more and more under control, provided their parents encourage this.”

In its report, Anger and Aggression in Young Children, the Child and Family Development Center of the University of Utah reports that anger is a primary emotion in reaction to such things as fear, hurt feelings, frustration, disappointment and jealousy. Aggressiveness is often your child’s response to frustration, discomfort or fear. If you can understand the triggers, you can often help your child to feel more comfortable and behave better.

What young children express as anger may be what an adult experiences as sadness. Children who are hungry, tired or crowded may behave aggressively. This is the way some young children cope with stress.

Children who are too young to express their negative feelings in words have little choice but to act out. If you start using emotion words like happy, sad, mad or frustrated at an early age, then they are more likely to use these words later on to express and take control of their feelings.

Invest in Kids is a Canadian national charity dedicated to improving outcomes for children by supporting parents. It reports that aggression in toddlers is normal and more frequently driven by frustration and the impulse to get what they want, than by the intent to hurt someone. Learning to control their emotions is a challenge at this stage.

Tantrums are quite common and sometimes go with aggression. Toddlers can easily use aggression to gain attention. They do it spontaneously or imitate others and experiment with different behaviors. “No” is a word toddlers love to use to assert their growing independence.

Tips for preventing aggressive behavior

While physical aggression increases with age—generally peaking between the second and third birthdays—the good news is that somewhere around age 3, the frequency of physical aggression should begin to decrease. In the meantime, try these tips: 

• Give your child positive attention for behaviors you want to reinforce.
• Give him your attention before he acts out.
• Recognize that anger is a common emotion and it can be healthy when appropriately expressed.
• Be a good role model by handling your own anger.
• Remain calm when your child displays anger or aggression.
• Provide physical activities such as movement, exercise or outside play to release emotions.
• Eliminate toys that encourage aggressive behavior such as guns, bats or sticks.
• Reduce frustrating circumstances. Have a favorite toy on hand, do not make your child wait for very long, keep rules to a minimum and provide choices.
• Redirect activities such as gun play to appropriate activities.
• Treat your child with the respect you would give another adult.

Three key strategies

Children who experience lots of aggression—in their neighborhoods, between their parents or as victims of abuse—are more likely to become aggressive themselves. In the long run, the best protection against your child becoming inappropriately aggressive is to be raised by loving, peaceful parents.

Invest in Kids created Comfort, Play & Teach: A Positive Approach to Parenting to help parents address challenging behaviors like aggression with these three key strategies:

• Comfort your child. Comfort is the first thing that children need from parents. When you comfort your child, she learns to feel secure, loved and valued.
• Play with your child. Play is the “work of children,” and you are an essential “partner.” When you play with your child, he learns to explore and discover the world and his role in it.
• Teach your child. Teach is what parents do to help their children learn. When you teach your child, she learns how to relate to others, solve problems and communicate.

Read on (to your toddler):

• Bear Party, by William Pene Du Bois
• The Day of the Rainbow, by Ruth Craft and Niki Daly
• It’s Mine! by Leo Lionni
• Attila the Angry, by Marjorie Sharmat
• Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst

 

Christina DiMartino has been a freelance and assignment writer since 1985. She is a researcher, interviewer, writer, editor, and manuscript collaborator with a repertoire of clients from around the world.

© Photo by Alexander Ishchenko | Dreamstime.com